disalarming

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.
- He’s Just Not That Into You

While I’ve never had any experience in getting back together with anyone I’ve been involved with¹, I know that it’s never an easy situation. I’ve seen enough of my friends take a chance on getting back together with their ex, sometimes ignoring all of the advice given to them by close friends and family and going against their better judgment. For some, it’s worked out, although of course the relationship wasn’t the same as it was before the break up. For others, it’s turned out horribly and the two parties are worse off for not realizing that despite their hopes, they couldn’t overcome the issues that caused the first breakup. It’s a situation fraught with risks and the potential to be hurt in a way like no other, and while I do think there are some situations where getting back together is for the best, I think there are certain steps that need to be taken before it gets to that point.

I’ve always been adamant that if a guy breaks up with me and then asks for me back sometime down the road, I need to make the guy prove to me that he really is in it for the long haul. He needs to show me that he really, truly, totally wants me back in his life and knows just how damn lucky he is if I agree to take him back. I wouldn’t want a guy to ask for me back just because he wants someone in his life again and I happen to be there to fill the void. I want him to want me for me. I also need to know he won’t hurt me the way he did in the past. Even though we will have problems if we become a couple once more as all couples have their share of problems, they can’t be the same ones that caused our relationship to end the first time around, and both of us will need to have already worked through those issues before deciding to get back together.

One of my greatest concerns when it comes to getting together with someone the first time is whether or not I will lose him as a friend if/when the relationship ends. However, history has shown that I maintain good relationships with all the boys I’ve been romantically linked to, so it’s a worry that has (somewhat) lessened with time. But if I get back together with an ex, good terms or not, and the relationship ends for the same reason it ended the first time around, then I know I can never, ever allow myself to be friends with him again. It’s one thing for someone you care about to hurt you once. It’s quite another thing if that persons hurts you twice, especially if it was in the same way both times.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
- Chinese Proverb

Question of the Week: What do you think about getting back together with someone? Would you consider it, or are you totally against it? If you aren’t opposed to the idea, are there any requirements/musts that need to happen before you get back together with the person?

1. I’ve skirted around the situation but never actually had anything come of it. [↩]

Cross-posted from breakthesky.net. Please leave any comments there.

Since last week’s Internet Find insinuated that all men are gorillas, it seems only fitting that this week’s comes to the conclusion that, well, girls are… evil.

Girls are Evil

Girls do require time and money… but doesn’t almost everything else in this world require that too?

Cross-posted from breakthesky.net. Please leave any comments there.

I know this is an age-old topic, but a recent argument with a friend has made the particular topic of the relationships between sex, love, and marriage relevant for me in the last couple of days. My friend’s position is that sex is an act for a male and a female who have been united in the eyes of the church via marriage, while mine is that sex is between two people that love each other, regardless of whether they are married or not¹. No matter how my friend spun her opinion, I just could not understand where she was coming from and how her views made sense to her in this day and age.

I do understand my friend’s perspective in terms of the fact that she does not wish to lose her virginity until she is married. That is her choice, I respect that and would never agree to anyone trying to pressure her into doing something she doesn’t feel that she is ready to do until she is married. I am, however, trying to understand how sex, to her, is more about marriage than it is love. She feels that it is only okay to have sex if you are married, and that love goes hand in hand with marriage, and therefore marriage is more important than love when it comes to sex.

I think my friend’s logic makes no sense, personally. I believe that you love more than one person throughout a lifetime but (ideally) will marry only once, so my friend interchanging the terms “marriage” and “love” as if they were synonyms doesn’t make any sense to me. You don’t have to marry someone to love them, and you might not necessarily love the person you marry. That’s an awful thing to say, but it’s true as not every single married person in the world loves their spouse, which creates a loophole in my friend’s logic. It’s also true that not every couple that loves each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together get married. So how does sex fit into those situations if, as my friend feels, sex is about marriage, and not love?²

The way I see it, sex is something done between two people that love each other. Marriage has nothing to do with it. Sex is about love and the relationship between the two, not whether or not they are a union in the eyes of God. Now, some people might say sex has nothing to do with love or marriage and only physical pleasure, but that’s a whole different topic…

1. That is not to say I think sex is okay if the two having sex are married to other people – cheating is never something I would approve of! [↩]
2. I’m only talking about premarital and marital sex here, not extramarital sex. [↩]

Cross-posted from breakthesky.net. Please leave any comments there.