Let’s Talk About Boys and Crushes (Or Not)

I just deleted/trashed an entry I wrote that was about a boy. It was about a boy that I like (who might like me back) and a supremely awkward conversation I had with my mom about it. (Awkward conversations with my mom about this kind of stuff, as well as other topics, is what I do best, after all.)

The reason why I trashed it wasn’t because it was poorly written or dull for others to read. (On the contrary, it was quite amusing, even if I do say so myself.) It was mainly because it didn’t feel right to publish something that involved someone else and partially because I was, well, scared to publish it. Having a crush on someone is something quite personal that I’ve always found it hard to talk about it. It’s not just the whole online privacy thing and how I always respect the privacy of those in my life when it comes to writing this blog, but the fact that I seem to have some sort of neurotic complex when it comes to talking about boys that I really like.

I think some of this links back to the fact that it’s always been really, really hard for me to admit that I like someone for as long as I can remember. It’s a self-preservation thing. Way back in elementary and middle school, I’d see some of my friends confide in other girls about who they liked, only for the girls to spread rumors about it behind each other’s backs. These rumors would spread like wildfire, and soon the girl who had a crush on a particular boy would be taunted and teased about liking so-and-so and everyone would know whether or not the boy liked her back or not.

God, it was awful. Just remembering it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach and makes me want to shudder at the thought.

I’ve always remembered those days, and even now, when it comes to confiding in my best friends who I know wouldn’t tell anyone and I trust with my life, I still find it difficult to talk about guys that I like. It’s easy for me to talk about guys and relationships in general, or to give advice about guys and relationships to my friends, but I never talk about my own personal feelings towards any guys in particular unless I can help it. I can talk about the fact that I like someone to my best friends; I just find it very hard to bring myself to say who he is.

That’s why it was more than a little strange that I was even drafting an entry about my crush on a boy to post on this blog, which is the least private of all places for me to confess about something.

Cross-posted from breakthesky.net. Please leave any comments there.